The Hair Metal Edition

Michael Grant (MG) is a writer and creative director in San Francisco. His previous entries include Albuquerque, The Tanforan Shell Station, and Poptimism.

Michael here. The story goes that Nirvana killed hair metal. But what fewer people know is that the genre would have died years before Nevermind, had it not been for a heretofore unreported crimewave that took place across a series of high-profile hair metal videos in the last wheezing gasps of the form’s relevance.

Back in the mid-80s, for a while it seemed like the party would never end. Bon Jovi had stormed the charts, and left the gates open behind them for plenty of equally corny and increasingly horny hard rock and hair metal bands to chase up the Billboard Hot 100. For a few years, a hit parade of unselfconscious himbos kept our nation’s cash registers ringing like so many cowbells as they pushed the limits of “rock” as a verb and built a monument to simplistic sensitivity out of power ballads and BIC lighters. 

But by 1989, the well of double entendres had run dry and, in harsher news, Guns ‘n’ Roses and Metallica were selling millions while being better at their jobs and (uh oh) less silly. To stay relevant, the hair metal bands suddenly needed to appear more substantive. They simply could not afford any more videos where the concept was Band Rocks School. Some made attempts to Have Thoughts About Things that…didn’t go so well. They needed something with a bit more grit and substance. And it seems that, after searching the depths of their Stoli-soaked souls, they all came back with the same answer: crime.

So what happens when an inherently unserious genre decides to get serious? The Hair Metal Crimewave. 

Why is this interesting?

Because it worked!

As you will see below, these were big hits. Not just on the rock charts, but crossovers that frequently crotch-chopped their way into the top 10 of the mainstream charts. Even as alternative rock was on its way to becoming mountain-sized and hip-hop was beginning to stack up crossover successes, MTV still put all these doofy videos in heavy rotation. People watched the hell out of them and made their way to music retailers to spend so many dollars on tapes and cds. The hair metal crimewave was instrumental in keeping these maned men around a few years past what appeared to be their expiration date. 

Let’s examine the evidence. 

SKID ROW – “18 AND LIFE”

Release date: June 1989

Peak chart position: #4 on the Billboard Hot 100

Criminal activity: An 18 year old named Ricky takes to drinking and fighting to make it through his tough days living poor in a dangerous neighborhood. He acquires a gun and, after partying too hard, fires it “to the wind”, in the process accidentally killing another young person.

Moral: Gun ownership dramatically increases the likelihood of both fatal and non-fatal accidental shootings for those living in proximity to the gun owner, and courts cannot be depended upon for mercy. Also: don’t fire your gun “to the wind”.

Verdict: In this empathetic After School Special of a power ballad, singer Sebastian Bach is guilty of having a tremendous voice and knowing how to use it. 

MOTLEY CRUE – “DR. FEELGOOD”

Release date: August 1989

Peak chart position: #6 on the Billboard Hot 100

Criminal activity: Jimmy starts on the streets, selling drugs out of his trunk. But his product is good, coming straight from the Mexican cartels. Soon he’s got a driver and is selling out of the backseat. Baby steps. Next he’s living in a palatial estate with the shoes to match. He has installed a large desk in his office because he’s seen Scarface too. But, oh no! The cops show up and, although he puts up no fight whatsoever, they start raining bullets on his house. It all comes crashing down in the most literal way possible. 

Moral: What goes up, must come down. 

Verdict: Guilty of providing the smooth-brained narcocorrido the late 80s deserved.   

AEROSMITH – “JANIE’S GOT A GUN”

Release date: September 1989

Peak chart position: #4 on the Billboard Hot 100

Criminal activity: We see the events out of order. An unnamed father sexually abuses the titular Janie. Flashlight beams search the darkened forest floor. A burned out car. A detective finds the murder weapon. A wife sees her husband creeping by their daughter’s bedroom door at night. A young girl in her nightgown runs through traffic in the rain. Vases shatter on a mantle. The father sits at his desk at night, then hears a noise and turns. He stares down the barrel of a revolver, his daughter’s finger on the trigger. She pulls. Bang. His bloodied head slams into his desk and his body slides down from his expensive chair. Janie takes off running but a detective is on her trail. Police flood the streets of their quiet neighborhood. They finally catch up to Janie, who must’ve run in a big circle as she’s now back near the house, but by now everyone seems to understand what happened. The detective wraps her up in a blanket and leads her away as blue and red lights glimmer in the rain.

Moral: “…but man, he had it coming.” 

Verdict: While the band is more naturally in their element singing about having sex in elevators, or dudes who look like ladies, this wildly inappropriate cringefest offsets its exploitative creepiness by giving director David Fincher his first high-profile reel in the crime genre.

JON BON JOVI – “BLAZE OF GLORY”

Release date: July 1990

Peak chart position: #1 on the Billboard Hot 100

Criminal activity: None depicted in the video itself, but the song is in the first-person from the perspective of an outlaw/gunfighter who would rather have bullets pierce his flesh and shred his internal organs to the point of failure and ultimately death than be taken into custody. 

Moral: Unclear! 

Verdict: Innocent, bordering on adorable. There is no indication this man has thought much about the realities of, much less been proximate to, a fatal hail of bullets. 

DAMN YANKEES – “HIGH ENOUGH”

Release date: June 1990

Peak chart position: #3 on the Billboard Hot 100 

Criminal activity: Although Ted Nugent is involved, the song itself has nothing at all to do with crime (it’s an apology with make-up sex on its mind). But for the video these guys got on-trend and reaped the benefits. We’ve got robberies, police chases, the “we’ve got you surrounded” moment, a front-porch shootout, and ultimately a slow walk to the electric chair.

Moral: Everyone lives with some kind of regret.

Verdict: Great song, honestly.

WARRANT – “UNCLE TOM’S CABIN”

Release date: April 1991

Peak chart position: #78 on the Billboard Hot 100

Criminal activity: Two men are walking by the swamp near their cabin when they see something they should not have: Local authorities dumping bodies into the water under cover of night! Before the witnesses decide what to do, the cops realize they’ve been rumbled and shoot one of the men to scare the other into silence. 

Moral: There are many ways to tell the world you have not read the book Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

Verdict: Criminally insane.

RICHARD MARX – “HAZARD”

Release date: January 1992 

Peak chart position: #9 on the Billboard Hot 100 

Criminal activity: A man with a troubled past comes to a small town and falls for a local beauty. He catches her with another man, and soon she turns up dead in the river. He is brought in for questioning, but sticks to his story. When he holds up under increasingly aggressive interrogation, they have no choice but to release him for lack of evidence. But the locals burn his trailer and he’s forced to leave town.

Moral: Deny ‘til you die. 

Verdict: Acquitted but deeply suspect. 

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Nevermind hit #1 the same month that soft rock icon Richard Marx joined the hair metal crimewave and released the “Hazard” video. So maybe they both killed hair metal together? It’s hard to say.

One thing seems clear though: without the crimewave, hair metal would have likely been dead for three years by the time Nirvana dropped their breakthrough. In that alternate timeline, we might be saying Rhythm Nation 1814 killed hair metal. But since Americans happen to love crime stories, the music business as a whole got a few more good years out of a blotto and burned-out genre, and the musicians themselves got a few more good years of “hair metal musician” being a relevant and lucrative occupation. You don’t know what you got til it’s gone, indeed. (MG)

Quick Links:

• This wondrous document from the turn of the millennium suggests there might have also been a Techno Crimewave? You will not guess the plot twist in that one! Or maybe you will. (H/T Graydon Gordian)

• Major Labels: A History of Popular Music in Seven Genres by Kelefa Sanneh is a real page-turner if you like music. A thoughtful, comprehensive, and well-researched survey of genre tags over time. Also great for music discovery.   

• The doc series Classic Albums is definitely an IYKYK situation…but if you don’t know, the Def Leppard episode is a great place to start whether you are a Mutt Lange enthusiast or not. Step inside / walk this way / you and me babe / hey hey.

• There might yet be an unexamined Grunge Crimewave that took things in a more socially conscious direction, including Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train” and Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy”. (H/T Rex Sorgatz)

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Thanks for reading,

Noah (NRB) & Colin (CJN) & Michael (MG)

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